Thursday, July 10, 2014

Currency Exchange

I have been rather quiet in the last few months about my racing and training because my actions did not match intent.  I want so badly to achieve certain fitness goals that falling short is deafening.  Not hitting the splits or missing too many training sessions because of other priorities made me frustrated and still does.  My soul sought silence and when found the lack of noise itself became so loud that I could not stand that either.

I am scared.  I am scared the plans laid down months in advance will not pan out.  What if my dog does not love to run as much as I do?  What will happen if I cannot muster the gumption to finish my training before most of the world takes their first sip of coffee?  What if this period of reflecting is simply acceptance that age is catching up to me and I will not be able to be this version of myself forever?  What if law school was not the right choice?  Should I have stayed in finance?

These questions are long gazes in the rear view mirror.  The reality is looking into the rearview we become ignorant of the blessings straight ahead.  

My mother is a notorious homebody who suffers from migraine headaches triggered by heat.  She has been sensitive to temperature change ever since I can remember.  In middle school, I remember checking up on her during one of those episodes.  I walked into the dark bedroom..she was awake.  I walked over to her and asked if there was anything I could do to help her.  She took my hand placing it gently against her head.  She whispered, "grab a hammer and hit me right there."  For a split second I panicked.  Does she really expect me to follow that request?  I want to be a good son but a hammer to the head probably does not fall into the "being a good son" category.  Seeing my puzzled face she smiled said she just needed to sleep a little while longer.

At least I figured out where I get my particular blend of sarcasm.  Even in the darkest of moments a smile can always shine through.  You can imagine my surprise when out of the blue she text me letting me know she had a few days off and wanted meet up.  Usually I visit her in beautiful San Clemente and make a day of it but this time was different.  I felt that she wanted to leave her bubble and explore mine to get a glimpse of where I spend my time.

The goal was to hike into the Monrovia Canyon Waterfall, grab lunch, and head back to the OC before traffic and heat got to her.  She struggled a little bit on the uphill section but that was due to her story telling.  She filled our ears with stories of hiking with her father and playing in creeks with her siblings.  The next morning I recieved a text, thanking me for creating a great day for her.  

I could have easily chosen to forego the offer.  A full tank of gas spent driving, the missed training run, etc. were good reasons for not accepting the offer but no matter what my ambitions are or will be the thing I can never recover is time with those I love.

My racing and training has struggled because circumstances both within and outside of my control.  Priorities necessitated modifying my time.  But, I do know the answers to my questions.  I cannot take Vista onto the trail too soon because I don't want her to suffer from Hip issues later, if I miss a run because I slept in its because my body maybe letting me know I need rest, age comes for us all and I am no exception so why dwell instead of enjoying and I elected to pursue law because it makes me happy.  

I cannot fight the answers to questions simply because I do not like them.  Training and racing will be there in whatever form they are meant to.  I in turn have made currency exchange trading in my pessimism for optimism.  Sometimes making the exchange requires a moment of clarity but for me it was a text message letting me know that there was something I could do for my mom.  Even in the darkest moments the smile did shine through.