Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Many times I find myself wishing I did not want it. Whatever it may be I find myself truly desiring I could float through life and just not care about it. The reality is that all of us know what “it” is. It is that thing, object, person that drives us to be better than what we think we can be. That very same thing can give us stress headaches, heart aches, hell every kind of ache you can think of. When I find myself not wanting it, really desiring to not want I take a deep breath and snap out of that BS. The fact is if we did not have desires and wants we would simply be piles of dung floating across infinite matter praying not to bump another pile of dung. Next semester is going to test my resolve. I am not excited about having a full schedule again, nor am I excited about having to manage the different personalities that surround me. But complaining about it would be like counting grains of sand at the beach; pointless and only a good source of momentary success and perennial stupidity. So, I am deciding now to really give myself a mental break where I can and have halcon-like senses when I need them. Above all that I want a better relationship with myself. I have pissed time and energy away on fruitless efforts and lackluster endeavors. Don’t get me wrong I have had a great time doing it, but where has it gotten me? All those expenditures of energy have gotten me is to circle back to that desire not to desire and that my friends is the rub. (not rib-rub or streak-rub, but Shakespearean rub - i.e. the bad one). As I have noted on my blog I have a few goals. I do not know why I do not write them down. Maybe I am a POS and feel that allusions towards the goals will make failing them less bitter. But the desire is what makes failure bitter, not the non-committal attitude. Regardless if your level of commitment in whatever you are doing you either do or do not. You know what you want and what you need to do to get there and many times it takes a whole lot longer than expected. But that’s the point! To see the goal and manage to get it done. Just because you tussled around and did not handle your business does not make your failure to yourself any less sour. Guess what? You still failed at what you wanted. I am not saying that with enough work everything is possible. We all know that there are circumstances out of our control that can prevent of from being a “billionaire” like that notoriously catchy song says. But, at least let life kick your ass, don’t tie life’s shoe and then bend over and complain that you “could have.”

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